Drive – Ramble

Perhaps if I regain control
then I’ll stop swerving off the road
of this twisted reality
because nothing is as it should be
or as it used to be to me
and that scares me.
I don’t know how to drive.
That doesn’t stop me
from getting behind the wheel
of my own destiny
learning as I go
in some sort of sick metaphor.

Homesick

I miss your smile
your laughter
your pretty little face
that haunts me
consistently.
I miss the way
I would blush at
meaningfully living
for twenty-five minutes.
I miss it all because
I’m homesick
lost in memories
that were actually one sided,
but in my head you smiled
at me and only me
and you’re dying to see me.
I know that isn’t true
and I apologize
for the lies of my head
but I can’t stop them
or lay them to rest.
I’m too homesick for that
because for two years
you were my home within hell,
the only source of comfort
I could have ever felt.
I didn’t plan for myself to fall
I had no parachute, no landing gear
and you didn’t catch me.
So I was fucked, truly,
until I realized down the line
that you’re nothing. You’re no home.
You’re not my comfort, my perfection.
You’re an illusion, half a person.
I forgive you, but I can’t
forgive myself.